Born on State Highway 1

Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park and famous climate-change denier, has done something hilarious. He’s put someone he doesn’t like into his latest book. As a child rapist. (That’s a person who rapes children, not a child who rapes people.)

In March this year, New Republic columnist Michael Crowley wrote a cover story about Crichton, whose fi-sci propensities saw him chatting with George W. Bush about climate change. The meeting had been arranged, unsurprisingly, by political genius Karl Rove. Apparently Bush found Crichton’s 2004 book State of Fear a real page-turner. State of Fear suggests that global warming is just a theory, like various other liberal plots.

Anyway, poor old Michael Crowley is a bit worried about “Mick Crowley”, a Washington journalist, child rapist, and character in Crichton’s latest book, Next. Haha, fair enough. After all, let us not forget poor old Billy Velociraptor, the kid who picked in Crichton in high school.

God, I loved this show when I was a geeky little 7-year-old.

There are 2300 more women than men in New Zealand in the 25-30 bracket, and that’s not even counting all those hot illegal immigrant chicks. This is apparently a Big Problem and worthy of pages of newspapers and the like.

I have taken it upon myself to solve the problem, so that newspapers can once again turn to informing us about war criminals given the thumbs-up by the Deputy Prime Minister and the thorough corruption of the National Party’s higher levels.

Of course, the problem gets worse every day. Men around my age are more likely to die from accidents, suicides and violence than most other groups. To further exacerbate things, guys my age are far less likely to be thinking about settling down with one person than girls my age. After all, if all goes according to plan, my fourth wife was born today.

My solution is a temporary one, it’s true. But what I’m proposing is this. I will take the troubles of, say, 30 attractive, intelligent 25- to 30-year-old women upon my own shoulders. They can all date me at once. And then there’s only 2270 ladies left out there to worry about. I’d do more for Queen and Country (not the Queen personally, as she’s out of the age bracket and is, I understand, taken), but there’s only so much one patriot can do.

I know, I know, it’s a radical suggestion, but in this day and age of such perverted demographics, we have to come up with something. Things are getting urgent.

I’ll take a few of the 30-pluses too, if you like. That’s cool.